Learning to love ourselves more...

Like many of you, I love to meet new people and am particularly drawn to those who seem to radiate inner confidence. By this I mean those who have a true sense of self worth. This is not to be confused with those who are extroverts, those who are dominating in conversation or perhaps those who are arrogant. The confident people I like can appear with all sorts of personality traits yet they all have in common a quiet confidence. I believe having a sense of inner confidence is a key to being attractive to the opposite gender. And who wouldn’t like to have everyone wanting to be with us? We then get to pick who it is we would like to be with.  

So how do we gain this special sense of confidence? Can we get it? Can we learn it? And if so how? I believe we can. I truly believe a sense of confidence is really the same thing as having a strong sense of self love. Our society doesn’t tend to embrace the teaching of learning to love our self. Even saying those words can bring a feeling or sense of arrogance, a sense of ‘who does she think she is’ which then could be closely followed by the cutting down of someone like this (the Aussie Tall Poppy Syndrome).  So how can we learn to love ourselves then when it is difficult to talk about. I think first off, we have to look at what can undermine our confidence. This can often be the surface stuff.

Do we love our appearance or do we feel unattractive? If we feel unattractive, which is very very common by the way, even the most physically beautiful models feel this way. Then why do we feel this way? This is something to be tackled I believe. Most people do judge on physical appearance when we first meet. We are visual creatures too. So a good sense of confidence in our appearance will go a long way to presenting as the confident person you want to be.

Are we overweight? If the answer is yes, then acknowledge this and make an effort to gain fitness. Fit healthy physical people are often those most desired by the opposite gender, even when that person is not the same. I am not talking about the perfect body, but I am talking about your sense of self love. If you don’t like being overweight then chances are that the opposite gender feel that and are agreeing with you.   

Are you unsure what clothes look good on you or how to buy clothes that make you feel good about yourself? If this is you, then look around you. Do you know someone who you like their sense of clothing style? Ask them where they shop or even better, ask them to go shopping with you. And trust them. Empower them to tell you the truth honestly and with kindness if something doesn’t suit you. Be prepared to invest in yourself too, spend on clothes (and shoes) that make you look contemporary, well looked after and make you feel good about yourself. Do you not know how to have a good hair cut or style or wear makeup properly? Again, ask your friends who you like their look. Most people will be flattered and honoured to help you. And be a little daring if you can with your new look. Being contemporary in appearance can be very uplifting for people. However make it age appropriate. Again, this is an attractive quality. By the way, I have several very talented friends I can recommend who can help with anything to do with your appearance. And if something in your appearance really bothers you that cant be ‘fixed’ then you have to learn to love that part of you. Look at the gift behind the problem. There is always a gift. Once found you can be thankful and appreciative for the gift. If you need help here, give me a call and I will talk a little more personally to you about how I learnt to love some of my ‘bits’. Its very empowering and freeing to master this.

So now we have addressed the appearance issues briefly. So what about your personality. Do you like you? If the answer is no, then I would guess that many others sense this. What is it you don’t like about you? Do you get really nervous meeting new people? Then can I suggest you try preparing when you are going to be meeting new people. Write a list of qualities you like about yourself. Include in this list hobbies, interests or topics that you are confident talking about. I bet for most people over the age of 30, this list when given some serious attention to will be quite long. And if it isn’t, can I suggest you ask some of your closest family and friends to help point out your good qualities. Once you have an idea of what you are confident talking about, you may find some of those nerves disappearing a little.

Do you find you are not confident holding a balanced conversation? Do you find in your effort to impress that you spend the whole night talking about yourself or that there are awkward silences you don’t know how to fill? I come back to the preparing idea mentioned earlier. This will work in this scenario too however I want you to add a list of questions that you can include to ask the other people about themselves. And when they answer your question, please show interest in what they have to say. A balanced conversation is one where no-one feels excluded and everyone has had a chance to listen and to share.

 I also believe to truly love ourselves is to really like who we are deep down. Affirmations here are an invaluable tool to achieve this. And no, this is not just a ‘girl thing’. Many very successful high profile men I know regularly use affirmations to achieve exactly that which they are desiring. Affirmations are a great way to bring about positive change. It may seem at first as though it is nonsense or maybe it appears as a form of brainwashing, however I promise you, affirmations work. And regardless of the how or why, it is ultimately the end result we are after. To feel a genuine sense of strong self worth. Now affirmations can take on many different forms. I like to encourage people to start with simply ones, ones that you can change to make your own. The more personal to you the affirmation is, the more powerful it will be.  Some examples of great starting affirmations are….

 I love and accept myself exactly as I am, I am perfect

I know that I deserve love and I accept it now

Loving myself unconditionally brings healing and an abundance of love into my life 

Following on from my recent article on positive thinking, using affirmations will produce very powerful results. The thoughts we think and the words we speak create our experiences! 

So how to use affirmations? I find the easiest way is to write my affirmation down on paper. Carry this paper around with you in you pocket or somewhere you access a lot during the day. Taped to your mobile phone is a good place. Or print it out and stick it on the bathroom mirror, the fridge, office computer and car dashboard. Each time you look at the card, read it at least 5 times. If in private, it is even more powerful if read out loud. And to turbo boost your affirmation, read it to yourself while looking into your eyes in the mirror. I also like to start and end my day with affirmations. At first it will feel silly I know. But it will be your secret that you are doing this. No-one will know except you…and what if it works? What would it really feel like to be one of ‘those’ confidence types? Imagine how good it would feel to get out of bed each day knowing the world was ready and glad to receive me each day. This can be you. Please, give it a try. Infact if you have read this far, you are probably ready to give this a go. And if you need help with affirmations or would like some reading recommendations, please let me know. I would be honoured to help.

Empowering you to love yourself more today than you did yesterday, you are beautiful!

Jane